How To Move From “Me” To “We”
So You Can Let Go of Date Night Pressure And Ignite The Heat!
by: Andrea Carter, SheSpark Mental Wellness Expert
Have you heard of the saying, “Families that play together stay together”? It’s similar to the saying, “You are what you eat” because both create a direct impact on your life. When it comes to personal relationships, another saying that rings true is, “You are what you focus on”. Meaning how you and your partner spend your time also determines the strength of your relationship. When you factor in all of life’s obligations, it’s no wonder that date night can struggle with tremendous pressure, often resulting in both people feeling further disconnected and frustrated than before.
In February, this sentiment heightens because of Valentine’s Day. For most couples who have had multiple demands on their time, calendars, and mental capacity, February can be a month of constant struggle, bickering, and frustration. In order to avoid and lessen this pressure so that your February can be your best passionate month yet, here is a tool that has worked for countless couples!
Remember when you were first dating and you spoke about everything from a “we” perspective? “We are going to the club.” “We are going to the gym.” Practically everything you did or said, began with “we.” As your relationship develops and time ages on, you can’t spend as much time with each other and for most couples, the “we” talk eventually moves into “me” talk. Many couples are amazing at coordinating compatible lives. Your spouse has his schedule, you have your schedule, and then there is the kids’ schedule. As the years go by, likely you’ve both discovered separate interest, and began to spend more time apart. In fact, it is common to hear couples sleeping under the same roof, but leading COMPLETELY separate lives. Then, throw date night in the mix, and most couples strain to figure out how to talk to each other often feeling like their relationship could be doomed. Eventually the focus goes to what isn’t working between you rather than what you both really want– connection.
Do you remember when you used to visit each other at work for a quick lunch or even just a kiss? Meet each other’s family, friends or coworkers? Help solve each other’s problems? Learn about each other’s interests? This is where “we” talk came from. So if you’re not feeling like you’re all that compatible right now, if you’re struggling to find that connection consider this question, “What comes first: a good connected relationship or involvement in each other’s lives?” Involvement! Instead of focusing solely on your spouse or partner’s needs, what might be broken, or even how to make date night “perfect,” just focus on “we talk” meaning how you can involve yourself with your partner once again. The key to this focus tool comes from involvement, not on usefulness. You don’t have to fix their problems, your problems, or your marriage on date night. All you have to do is be involved.
Involved listening and involved asking leads to involved participation within a relationship. When you involve yourself, from the perspective of just knowing what is happening in your partner’s life it changes the dynamic of the questions you ask.