cosmetic procedures by state

Curious About Cosmetic Procedures? So Is Humorist Michelle Combs

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Curious About Cosmetic Procedures? So Am I.

Ever wonder what cosmetic surgery procedure is most googled in your state? Well, if you didn’t before, then you probably are now because I asked the question.

Analysts at HighSpeedInternet.com identified the most popular cosmetic procedure searches by state.

I clicked the link because I wanted to know about the most popular procedure in Ohio.

Coolsculpting.

I had no idea about coolsculpting, so I looked it up. This might be oversimplifying the process, but basically they freeze your ass off.

After reading about Coolsculpting, I’m not convinced they named it right. Coolsculpting seems terribly misleading. I spent many hours on cold, metal bleachers watching a kid play football or hockey. I have probably spoken the words “I’m freezing my ass off” at least a hundred times. My butt has been so cold that the ache reached down to my knees and never once, did the cold remove an ounce of fat from my ass. So, that tells me that coolsculpting is probably a billion times more cold than those freezing, metal bleachers. Or, maybe less than a billion times. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. Perhaps “freezeray” sculpting would be more accurate.Unless by “cool” they mean it is just really cool that they can freeze your butt off. I guess it would work in that case.

After educating myself on Coolsculpting, I scanned over the other states in the graphic and considered some of the procedures that were most popular.

Laser hair removal, for instance. I totally get wanting to permanently remove unwanted facial hair. What girl wants to be known for her luxurious mustache? I am not going to say how I know this, but if you do decide to have laser hair removal, you might want to do your research and not trust the fate of your upper lip area to a place you found on groupon. It’s possible, if you do go the groupon route, that you will find yourself in the emergency room with severe burns on your face. And end up still having a mustache.

I tried dermabrasion once. It was prior to my laser hair removal fiasco and I still had faith in discount cosmetic procedures. My sister and I met up and the “spa” and both had the same dermabrasion treatment. Afterward, we went to the Cheesecake Factory.

My sister thought to bring her mineral makeup and we both dabbed it on in the elevator as we left the spa.

My sister did a good job covering her face. I can only assume she didn’t take a good look at me, or if she did, thought it best to not tell me I failed miserably putting on makeup. I really need a mirror for applying makeup.

The hostess at the Cheesecake Factory was friendly enough, but I did catch her giving me a weird look. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I didn’t evenly apply the mineral makeup. Where I did apply makeup was too heavy and looked like clay spots. The rest of my face was bright red. I looked like a short necked giraffe with a sunburn. Also, we didn’t read the release papers. You’re not really supposed to apply makeup within minutes of getting a dermabrasion treatment.

I had to look up fat transfer as well. I couldn’t for the of me figure that out. Transfer it to where? If I have fat pulled out of my thighs, I don’t want it transferred anywhere else. Where would I hide it? Under my scalp?

See? That wouldn’t work either. One time I tried using hemorrhoid cream to shrink my eyebags. My husband wouldn’t stop calling me butt head. I don’t want to risk a nickname of “fat head”.

Turns out “fat transfer” is what they call liposuction now. I guess they just transfer the fat to a bucket or something.

I am intrigued by Botox. Not because I’m concerned about lines and wrinkles, but because whatever I am thinking is clearly reflected on my face. My boss told me he thinks it is impossible for me to lie because my face is easy to read. Well, sometimes a girl wants to play her cards close to her chest. If I had botox, I’d be able to keep annoyance from popping up on my face a few times a day. Or a few dozen times. Whichever.

I am sure there are many valid reasons to get labiaplasty. Injuries,surgeries, or birth defects. However, if you are considering getting your “area” spruced up because of changes due to popping out a few kids and aging, then I have a suggestion for you. You should consider just not looking at your labia. How often is it necessary we examine our labias? I mean, if you want to, it’s your labia but if it makes you feel bad to look at it, just don’t. Anyone who will be looking at it is probably glad to be there and doesn’t  mind a little extra flappiness. If they do mind? Then your labia isn’t what needs to be fixed.

I feel a little smug about butt implants. My butt implants are natural, in the wild, 100% organic implants. I have bemoaned the size of my ass for decades, but I have grown to love it. It’s big and curved and glorious. I can’t imagine how much more uncomfortable those cold bleacher seats would have been if I didn’t have my homegrown implants. I totally understand wanting implants if you have no ass at all. If for no other reason, it makes sitting more comfortable.

I will probably stop my cosmetic procedure experimentation with the laser hair removal and the dermabrasion, but I’m not going to lie, I am curious about that coolsculpting. In my mind though, I’m imagining them freezing my butt into a solid block and then chipping away at it. What if they sneeze and accidentally shatter my whole ass? If I think yoga pants look iffy on me now, how would they look if I had a jagged butt?

I did find it interesting, examining the different most popular searches by state. Here’s to hoping those of us opting for cosmetic procedures get through them injury free. Also, here’s to all of us finding our way to self love and self acceptance, with or without cosmetic surgery.

michelle combs writer
Michelle Poston Combs blogs at Rubber Shoes in Hell. She has also been featured in Good Housekeeping, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop and was in the Indianapolis 2015 cast of Listen To Your Mother.
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